It is very easy to think that most people share a common view of the world. In our every day exchanges we everyone agrees with us. Much is justified in our thinking as that it is just common sense. But then rather worryingly we find very sensible people doing very different things from what we expect. The writer Voltaire said ‘Common sense is not so common.’ This could be worrying and the people of our world are not as reliable as we think. It could mean that we need to work harder and find out what is really going on. We might also have to examine ourselves and find out more about who we are.
I have always enjoyed optical illusions. There are a host of images that trick our eyes into being confused. You might not guess the proportions to two objects correctly. You might ‘see’ something that is not there. You may have an image when looked at carefully has a second image present. Even our eyesight can lead us astray. But it is not just illusions that can confuse us. We naturally pay more attention to movement, bold colours, big objects, contrast and bright objects. Knowing these things helps people design posters, websites and advertising to lead us to what they want us to see and understand.
We are very highly tuned it is recognising faces. How often have we said ‘I know the face but I cannot remember the name.’ When this does not happen and people cannot read the clues from people’s body they are awkward and socially disadvantaged. Communication is as much about context as what is said. In fact one commentator has said ‘the medium is the message’. The whole way that we do things is as vital as what the intention is of our words.
One of the great frustrations of life is to have a conversation at cross purposes. Two people are talking and gradually getting more and more frustrated. They assume they are both talking about the same thing but each has a very different idea of what is involved. This can easily happen between some men and women. Men want to solve a problem and women want to share their experience. The man can want to get to the point, the woman wants to be understood. I remember a discussion about lighting around a church door. The
men were concerned about the cost and they could see in the twilight. The women felt vulnerable in the half light and wanted to be given security. In the end one of the women made some sharp comments that the men did not really understand but complied for an easy life.
But it is not just across the sexes that there are very different assumptions. It will happen across all of the divides we have in life and ultimately between us and all those around us. I remember a very powerful talk about approaching life and the speaker identified grace, truth and time. When it comes to our communication here are three good places to start.
Grace is about generosity and value for the other. We appreciate them as people who have a right to our common life and we will not use ways to ignore or devalue them to get what we want.
Truth is about seeking the often complex issues present and knowing how vulnerable we can be when the whole picture is visible. We do need to say precisely what is going on and what we value rather than keeping to simple positions or protecting ourselves. The sensitivity of this underlies the first value of grace. If we are not valued we will not be really open with each other.
Time is about how long it takes to uncover the issues and even know exactly who we are ourselves. We can hide from the truth maybe for very good reasons because of past hurt. I know I have had many of those ‘aha!’ moments when I have seen that the way we have been working has been confused and there is a better way. Sometimes I kick myself for not have seen it earlier. Jesus said the truth will set you free (John 8.32) and it is wonderful when it happens.
So if you have a conversation and someone says ‘oh you know what I mean’ it maybe that you need to say ‘no’. Assuming we are all on the same page is a huge assumption. It is probably better to spend some time to share, explore, question with grace, truth and time.
Best wishes
Alan